HBO’s “The Young Pope” is amazing, and it’s got a cast of colorful characters that almost makes the Vatican seem like any other place on Earth. But it’s not, because the pope lives there. And there’s a new pope in town, and he’s very young. So let’s run down how the residents of the Vatican have fared against said Young Pope (Jude Law) through the first two episodes.
19. Guy in suit who tells the young pope about breakfast
We’re not sure what this guy’s job is, but he seems to be the person who knows what the Young Pope likes to eat for breakfast. And he completely failed at that.
18. Voiello’s secret son (?)
That gall this young man has to be a character on “The Young Pope” who is younger than the Young Pope himself. I cannot approve of this.
17. Cardinal Ozolins
Cardinal Ozolins (Vladimir Bibic) gets fired for gossiping about the Young Pope. What a clown. Try harder.
16. Cardinal Aguirre
Replaced Ozolins, but has no real characteristics so we have no reason to believe he wouldn’t also joyfully spread Young Pope gossip. He does, however, seem like the sort of person who lacks any tact so he’d probably be worse at it than Ozolins.
15. Pope’s cook
All she wanted was the be a grandma to the pope, and didn’t show any backbone when the youngin’ wouldn’t have it. Gotta do better if you’re gonna cut it in the Gen X Vatican.
14. Dussolier
The Young Pope’s childhood friend (Scott Shepherd) but not, apparently, the Young Pope’s current friend. Need more data before judging this one.
13. Esther
We saw Esther (Ludivine Sagnier) having sex, and also standing in the rain breathlessly taking in the Young Pope’s bad first speech. We have no opinion about her.
12. Gutierrez
The Young Pope’s faithful servant. If there’s anybody who could “Game of Thrones” the papacy away from the Young Pope, though, it’s this guy. But I don’t think he has that kind of gumption.
11. Cardinal Marivaux
Admits to the Young Pope that he’s gay, and promptly gets the secret passive-aggressive buzzer treatment. And manages to keep his cool through all of it.
10. Don Tommaso
Betrays everyone in the Vatican who gives their confession at his booth by telling the Young Pope everything they confess, but since the pope is God’s representative on Earth is that actually a sin? I’m not enough of a doctrinal scholar to answer that question, so I’m just gonna leave Don Tomasso in the middle of the rankings.
9. Marketing lady
It was weirdly reassuring to meet her and realize that the Vatican is shamelessly capitalistic. They’re just like us! So relatable.
8. Voiello
Voiello (Silvio Orlando) is like the Little Finger of “The Young Pope”: cold, calculating, and saving himself for a specific woman. Of course, the woman in question being a 25,000-year-old statue is not a point in his favor, however.
7. Cardinal Spencer
Lost the popeship to his protege and is really mad about it. James Cromwell yelling angrily and saying the F-word will always rank highly for us.
6. Child pope
It seems hard to believe, but the young pope was actually even younger at some point. Incredible.
5. The Venus of Willdorf
This 25,000-year-old statue has been trying to seduce Cardinal Voiella for some time, but hasn’t succeeded thus far. We need to see some more statue-related intrigue, but so far she’s been great.
4. Young pope’s assistant
She’s not incredibly good at coming up with excuses for why the Pope has to leave meeting he doesn’t want to be in, and we love her for it.
3. Lenny Belardo, a.k.a. the Young Pope
He’s mean, but loves kangaroos. He comes off kinda as a bad person, but he’s the Young Pope and we can’t rank the Young Pope low.
2. Kangaroo
Without uttering a word, the kangaroo steals the entire show. That’s partly just because he’s a kangaroo. Well, it’s entirely because of that. It’s incredibly good that The Pope Show has a kangaroo.
1. Sister Mary
Even if Sister Mary weren’t played by Diane Keaton, she would win this very serious ranked list just for this t-shirt.
