(Spoiler Alert: Plot details from “X-Men: Apocalypse” are ahead.)
There are so many mutants in “X-Men: Apocalypse.” Some good, some bad. Some who actually do things and some who are just sort of there. Some who are cool and some who are really, really not cool. We rank ’em all, with maybe a few jokes thrown in.
If you’d rather just know who these people are instead of reading our bad jokes, head on over to our Who’s Who In the Enormous Roster of Mutants explainer.
21. Jubilee
Would probably be the coolest character in the movie if she actually does anything besides stand in the background in every scene at Xavier’s school.
20. Blob
Gets murdered by Angel after about five seconds of screen time. Totally interchangeable with any other C-list mutant.
19. Caliban
His power in this movie is having attitude that he can’t back up.
18. Havok
A 40-year-old man played by a 25-year-old actor in a funny wig and dad wardrobe. And he accidentally blows up some things that are, ah, pretty important. None of this is really winning me over, okay?
17. Beast
Spends the whole movie moping about getting “friendzoned” by Mystique. It’s been 20 years, bro. You’re a middle-aged man now — get over it!
16. Cyclops
He’s like the cool rebel teenager who has an overabundance of enthusiasm for shopping malls. Which, it turns out, is totally lame.
15. Jean Grey
Just sort of smarmily accepts that no one likes her, which would be awesome if she actually was a cool person or something otherwise.
14. Angel
He’s the kind of “bad boy” who’s really just trying to cultivate a look so that a talent scout will hire him to be a model.
13. Professor X
Finally gets his comeuppance for decades of spouting the same hippy rhetoric over and over at any mutant who doesn’t want to attend his school when all his hair falls out.
12. Nightcrawler
He’s a blue emo nerd who can fight well. That combination is a wash, I guess.
11. Mystique
It’s not really her fault that she was shortchanged by creative decisions that basically stole any character development from her. Oh well, her hair is awesome at least.
10. Psylocke
The Darth Maul of this movie, who mostly stands in the background doing funny comic book poses before whipping out her pink laser sword and a real sword just for good measure.
9. Wolverine
He kills so many people. That’s literally the only thing he does in his couple minutes of screen time. It’s great. No complaints.
5-8. The original Four Horsemen
This quartet only has one scene — the prologue in ancient Egypt — but it’s the best scene in the whole damn movie, thanks in large part to their badass defense of Apocalypse against a coup attempt. “X-Men: Ancient Egypt” is a movie I want to watch.
4. Apocalypse
Oscar Isaac plays the villain as sorta disinterested, but that has to be a front considering he personally designs each of his Four Horsemen’s outfits and also Angel’s face tattoo. I couldn’t possibly dislike a villain who does that.
3. Quicksilver
Still lives in his mom’s basement even though he’s probably in his 30s, and he’s got major daddy issues. But also he provides like 97% of the humor in the incredibly morose “X-Men: Apocalypse,” which is a far bigger plus than any garbage character traits he might wanna conjure up.
2. Storm
It seemed early like Storm was going to be a core character, but it’s all a misdirection. Still, major points for being the coolest looking one.
1. Magneto
He’s the only one in the movie who has a legitimate reason for his constant destructive angst … so he sort of wins by default.
