Lots of new shows!
Come on, Entertainment Weekly, are you really gonna stand behind “Survivor” as your pick for best reality show of all time? Clearly the June 12 issue went to print before anyone was able to get their hands on a screener of “Kendra,” which debuted this past Sunday on E!
But seriously, ya’ll, while EW’s Top 20 included some obvious choices — “The Real World,” “American Idol,” “Project Runway” and “The Apprentice” — it was
the “10 Worst” list that got my attention.
I can tell you that I watched every single episode of “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” and I’ve seen my fair share of “Cheaters” and “The Swan.” I’m not proud; it is what it is.
The interesting thing, though, is that “The Anna Nicole Show” made its way onto the Worst List, with EW citing that there’s “nothing remotely comical about the exploitation of an obviously troubled woman.”
Hmmm, double standard much?
Not one page before, the mag lists “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” as one of the Top 20. While Anna Nicole may have fallen victim to her demons, God rest her soul, couldn’t we also say that there is “nothing remotely comical about the exploitation of an obviously troubled marriage?”
My guess is, were Ms. Smith still alive today, her show would be on that Top 20 list.
Ouch! My brain hurts! Let’s talk about something more mindless!
"I’M A CELEBRITY … GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
If you’re like me, you’ve been waiting with bated breath all weekend to find out the fate of Speidi. Would they survive their much talked-about night in the Lost Chamber with Paul Telegdy’s “psychological experiments?” And even if they did, would their fellow campers take them back?
The answers were, surprisingly, “yes” and “yes.”
Thank goodness! I’ve gotta hand it to them — as people who are usually handed the plot points to their own lives by producers, they have been doing an admirable job of coming up with drama on their own. They spent half the episode quoting Bible verses and trying to save Janice’s soul, prompting John Salley to comment that the whole place had turned into “Jesus Camp.” I have a feeling, though, that Jesus is upstairs going, “Seriously, guys I do not know those people.”
As for the other cast members … You know how they always say that after a spouse dies, the other one follows shortly after? Well, this seemed to be the case with comedy team Frangela. After Angela V. Shelton was the first celebrity to be eliminated, Frances Callier just couldn’t bear the jungle without her. She announced her departure on last night’s show.
Janice Dickinson managed to piss off the entire cast with her diva-like antics and — gasp! — truth telling. She told Heidi that her singing sounded like a drowning cat. Mean? Yes. True? Totally.
She also had a breakdown after participating in a food trial against Sanjaya. (Granted, it was pretty scary. It involved six padlocks, a variety of reptiles and rising water in an enclosed space.) He comforted her afterwards and, for a brief moment, as he held her and she seemed to caress his mosquito bites, I wondered if they might make out. Sanjaya continued to serve as her lapdog the rest of the episode.
Patti opened up about the trials and tribulations of being Rod Blagojevich’s wife.
One thing’s for sure after watching these celebs slowly go jungle crazy. In this recession, their therapists are all breathing sighs of relief.
The drama turned back to Speidi when Heidi had demons coming out of her. (Apparently that’s Presbyterian for “vomiting.”) I thought she might be pregnant but apparently she was just suffering from a gastric ulcer and the couple chose — again — to leave the show.
Whew! We really dodged that bullet, as I’m pretty sure that a Speidi spawn is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Don’t leave your bomb shelter yet, though. I’m also pretty sure that people using the words “Sanjaya” and “so talented” in the same sentence could be Apocalyptic as well. Lou Diamond Phillips even said that his “skills seem to be limitless.” Take that, Simon Cowell!
Phillips retained leadership for another week because no one could stomach the idea of eating cow tongue or bull testicles.
It was also revealed that a new “star” would be joining the cast — Holly Montag (Heidi’s sister). I’m a little disappointed, as Holly seems to be one of the more normal ones on “The Hills.” Couldn’t they torture Lo or Audrina instead?
"KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST"
The new season premiered last night, with our heroine rubbing elbows with the Divine Miss M in Vegas, as part of her “A-lister in training” program.
But Kathy Griffin isn’t exactly a D-Lister in my eyes. She is one of my idols, much to the chagrin of my mother, who thought her “suck it, Jesus!” comment was absolutely unladylike. To that I say “suck it, Mom!” She’s won two Emmys and a Grammy; I’m not the only one who thinks she’s funny.
I feel that perhaps Bette Midler sides with my mom on this one, though. She seemed very perturbed when Griffin told one of her own jokes while making a cameo as a prostitute in Midler’s stage show. Why, then, did Kathy have a mic in the first place?
I’m not sure how I feel about Midler after watching her berate my girl Kathy. I mean, I liked “Beaches” and all, but was that really a good drama or was it just the fact that I was in seventh grade and going through the emotional throes of puberty? Throughout their evening together, the subtle jabs kept coming, in the form of both words and facial expressions. When she promptly dismissed the idea that “Wind Beneath My Wings” could be about passing gas, I wrote her off as just plain rude.
You may have noticed that former first assistant Jessica was nowhere to be found. Taking her place was second assistant Tiffany, who is looking much svelter this season. As Griffin told the L.A .Times recently: “Jessica has a whole new life now. She is engaged to a guy and living in Arizona. Believe me, it's going to be weird to watch the show without her. She is very happy. She told me she's happy. I definitely miss her.”
"BROOKE KNOWS BEST"
The opener of the show’s sophomore season exploited a family that is falling apart. (Think “Jon & Kate” if the children were older.) Mom Linda is now dating a 19-year-old who went to high school with daughter Brooke.
This is not news to those who read the gossip rags, but in her parents’ messy separation, Brooke Hogan seems to be taking the side of her dad. It is clear that Hulk Hogan loves his daughter, too. In fact, he loves her so much that his new girlfriend, Jennifer, could be her twin.
This was laughably apparent as the girls, soon after meeting, walked along the beach in matching white hoodies, “porno white” hair and sunglasses. Had the dialogue been muted, it would’ve been hard to tell who was who.
While some moments were unintentionally LOL funny, overall, just like “Jon & Kate,” it was disturbingly sad. As father and daughter tearfully drove past their old house in a boat, Hulk noted, “I spent 30 years destroying my body to build that house and some kid that’s 19 years old lives in that house.”
"KENDRA"
I’ve always been more of a “Bridget” myself but I was anxious to see the premiere of this show, which follows former “Girl Next Store” Kendra Wilkinson as she plans her wedding to Eagles wide reciever Hank Baskett.
In the opener, Kendra had a housewarming party to show off her new unfurnished home and stripper pole routine. She got loads of gifts, including a Costco-sized box of Cheez-Its and a throw blanket with a nude image of her, Holly and Bridget. Perfect for when company comes!
Even Hef came to the party, though it took him a good 30 minutes to make his way up the stairs. (He’s old, ya’ll!) Though their relationship is completely over my head, they seemed to really care about each other in a grandfather/granddaugher way (except with sex – WTF?).
Looks like this show will mainly be about Hank getting to know Kendra better. (He clearly doesn’t know her at all, as he was shocked by the stripper pole and the fact that she’s messy.) It’ll also focus on Kendra doing “ladylike” things — like planning a wedding — in her very Kendra UNladylike way. Bette Midler would not approve.
"DENISE RICHARDS: IT’S COMPLICATED"
This premiere proved exactly what I thought: it doesn’t really seem that complicated being Denise Richards.
You go to Vegas to “host” a New Year’s Eve party. (By the way, people, we’re in June now!) By hosting, I mean you introduce yourself (or have Lance Bass introduce you) and count backwards from 10.
You also try to go shopping inconspicuously … with your camera crew. Sounds like it’s “complicated” because you make it so, Denise Richards.
"JON & KATE PLUS EIGHT"
To celebrate their 100th episode, Emeril came to cook the family a meal. Jon thought it was funny that Kate was relegated to being a helper in her own kitchen. Kate thought it was funny that Jon had to peel endless amounts of garlic.
I thought it was funny that Emeril subjected himself to being around them at all.
Some of the kids took a break from helping to play “chef” outside with rocks as broccoli. It was nice to see that they copied the cooking that they saw in the kitchen rather than their parents’ smartass comments towards each other.
When Kate said that she was excited that they had “survived” 100 episodes it definitely seemed to have a double meaning. Bam, indeed.
