Judging from the 122 million votes cast, I think it’s safe to say that “Idol” wins the prize for “finales we cared about today.” (Note: Oprah was in the lead until two-thirds of her audience fell asleep five minutes into her snooze-inducing swan song.)
No huge Idol shocker, 17-year-old Scotty McCreery became the first male country singer to win “American Idol.” Fellow country cutie Lauren Alaina, 16, placed second. Guess this proves two things: that the country vote really is a powerful one and that producers have finally allowed votes to be cast via CB radio.
The frontrunner going into this week, McCreery’s fate seemed sealed until Alaina gave him a run for his money with her performance on Tuesday’s show. Alas, it looks as if his “man of integrity” bit trumped her “girl with talent” schtick.
No matter; while Lauren has the voice and personality to make it in country music, she doesn’t quite have the maturity yet. Give her a year or two and she’ll be as confident as a surgically enhanced Kellie Pickler.
While the results themselves weren’t much of a shock, the show still had plenty of surprises to offer. (Can you ever really be prepared for a confetti shower?!) The most relevant finale in years, this show featured acts and songs that Scotty and Lauren’s tween fans didn’t have to Google.
The Top 13 kicked off the show with the ubiquitous “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. Though the Idols were all dressed in white to appear as a unit, I bet that didn’t stop your eyes from being continually drawn to Jacob Lusk, whose mixture of crotch-grabs and “Herkie” jumps made him look like a hefty Michael Jackson lost in a bad “Bring It On” sequel.
Fourth place finalist James Durbin, clad in his best S&M ensemble, performed alongside Judas Priest. Whether heavy metal is your thing or not, a final with James performing would’ve been much more dynamic than the country-on-country one that we received. It also would’ve given us the chance to see James go head to head with Steven, who promised to sing with him if he landed in the finals.
Next up was a video montage highlighting all of the “Randyisms” from our favorite veteran judge. Last year’s “dawg” and “for me, for you/for you, for me” have clearly been replaced by variations on the question “What kind of show is this?”
And need I even mention “in it to win it?” Cut to: “James is in it to win it, America!” “Lauren’s back in it to win it!” and “This guy’s in it to win it, too!” (I think he was referring to a janitor he heard whistling in the hallway.)
Next up was fifth place finisher Jacob Lusk, who performed “I Smile” with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight. Swishing across the stage and batting his eyes, Jacob kept his crotch grabs in check so as not to offend the requisite gospel choir.
Casey Abrams, whom Randy once touted as the most talented musician ever to compete on “Idol,” performed next. The sixth place finalist sang the opening lines to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” only to push a couch aside, revealing his duet partner, Jack Black.
Comedy + Music = Modern Day Blues Brothers? Only time will tell.
Next up were the ladies of the Top 13, who performed a Beyonce medley. Ashthon Jones got all Beyoncified with what looked like a brand-new Indian hair weave, while Naima stole focus by dancing like a crazy lady. The girls sounded great until the opening lines of “If I Were A Boy (I May Still Be In It To Win It).”
A low-voiced train wreck featuring awkward sexy poses, it was saved when Haley came in with her belt. Beyonce joined the ladies on stage to perform “Crazy In Love” and it was a booty shakin’ good time. Oh, how I’ve missed you, Karen Rodriquez!
“Idol” paid tribute to their new “Loose Cannon” judge, Steven Tyler, by showing footage of him cursing, smoking and making inappropriate comments to young girls. Do you want your rock stars any other way?
While her style has been all over the place this year, third place finalist Haley Reinhart did what she arguably does best by performing a jazzy standard, “Steppin’ Out,” with Tony Bennett.
Sure, she can do Zeppelin and Gaga and Alanis, but it’s the throwback stuff where she really shines. Her versatility is what makes her unique but it’s probably also why she didn’t make it to the finals, as America likes their musicians to fall into neat little categories.
Nevertheless, it looks like somebody finally raked a comb through those curls; she looked and sounded amazing.
Jennifer Lopez was next up for “Idol” worship. Named “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People, she was featured in clip after clip of contestants professing their love to her and marveling at her beauty. This was interspersed with scary reaction shots of a gaunt Marc Anthony.
Lil Jon and TLC took the stage to perform “Waterfalls.” It looks like Lil Jon is using his newfound “Celebrity Apprentice” notoriety to embark on a rap career. Good luck to you, Jon! The ladies of the Top 13 came out to sing backup and do some doo-wop dance vamps. An awkward Thia Megia proved that she has no street cred.
Tim McGraw then joined Scotty onstage to sing “Live Like You Were Dying.” As far as country music stars, it doesn’t get much bigger than McGraw. To his credit, his presence didn’t overshadow Scotty. McCreery delivered one of his better vocals, proving that he should’ve been borrowing from McGraw’s songbook all along.
Marc Anthony invaded our eyes and ears next with some sexy salsa ear candy. Vegas showgirls shimmied along to a full band featuring Sheila E. on drums.
The real star, however, was Mrs. Marc Anthony herself, who came out and shook her best asset in rhinestone fishnets and a dress that looked like it was made from Veela hair. Kinda makes you wonder what they’re into at home!
Proving that the only way to appeal to a diverse fan base is by singing Tom Jones, the guys of the Top 13 sang….Tom Jones. No, really!
The rocker, the cowboy and the gospel guy all sang Tom Jones. Yes, it was cheesy but they totally committed, making it quite entertaining. Of course, Tom Jones himself appeared to sing “It’s Not Unusual” as the guys did “The Carlton” behind him.
Scotty and Lauren invited their favorite teachers to the finale. Scotty said that his young, pretty teacher had a big influence on his “music career” and “helped him become a better man.” (Cue Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher.”) “You have hot teachers,” confirmed an inappropriate Seacrest. Each teacher was presented keys to a Ford Focus.
Seacrest then told Lauren and Scotty that they would both be presented with any Ford car of their choice. Scotty will undoubtedly pick a truck big enough to carry all his guns and deer carcasses, while Lauren will really look like a celebrity cruisin’ to the Rossville Tastee Freeze in her brand new ‘Stang.
Lady Gaga, who mentored a couple of weeks ago, performed “The Edge of Glory” from atop a giant rock wall. Wearing a Bret Michaels bandanna, Gaga simulated sex acts with a topless James Durbin stand-in as a totally awesome 80s sax solo blared. After they reached the “edge of glory,” they jumped off the wall together.
Lauren did her best show pony walk as she performed “Before He Cheats” in towering heels along side her idol Carrie Underwood. The two side by side are like an "Idol” before and after. Lauren is the raw goods, while Carrie is the polished finished product.
In what should have been a moving video package, the other finalists explained how they felt about Lauren and Scotty. This consisted of “you should be at prom” jokes and the Idols lamenting about getting beat by 6th grade school children.
Speaking of youthful school children, cut to Beyonce begging for you to “make love to her right now” during her performance of “1+1.” (Another performance?) Between mentoring last week, debuting her scary video and having every “Idol” guest from Jordin Sparks to Nicole Scherzinger trying to emulate her, B has truly emerged as the star of Season 10.
Sorry, J. Lo!
In the most random performance of the night, Reeve Carney, star of “Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark,” performed “Rise Above” with the musical’s composers Bono and The Edge. Spiderman leapt from the lighting scaffolding into the aisles without incident as Kris Allen lookalike Carney sang in a tacky Spiderman jacket.
The song doesn’t exactly seem destined for one of those “Broadway Showstopper” piano books. Seems more like music for getting high but we’d have to ask Casey and Haley about that.
In the final superstar performance of the night, Steven sang his classic, “Dream On” while accompanying himself on piano. The dude has still got it. While it would’ve been nice to see him alongside James Durbin, he proved that he is a hot ticket all by himself, no matter how old he is.
When the moment of truth arrived, Lauren looked like she was going to have a panic attack in her daffodil colored square dance dress. Would she be able to handle not winning? Heck, would she be able to handle it if she actually did win?
“After the nationwide vote,” said Seacrest, “the winer of ‘American Idol’ Season 10 is … Scotty McCreery.”
Scotty explained that he and Lauren had been together from the beginning and that they were gonna stay together. (Do I hear wedding bells in the future? Or a prom at least? I know Lauren’s got plenty of prom dresses!)
“I gotta thank the Lord first,” said Scotty. “He got me here.” (Clearly everyone else is a godless heathen, especially that gospel singing Jacob!)
As Scotty sang “I Love You This Big,” he stole Lauren’s patented “sing and hug” trick when he went into the audience to hug his parents and four other people, leaving Jack Black waiting for his embrace. Scotty should’ve practiced the “sing and hug,” as it’s very light on the “sing.”
He returned to the stage to hug each of the other finalists.
I was waiting for the confetti but when sparks started to shoot out of the ceiling, I thought it may be the Rapture. Alas, Scotty did not disappear so I know that it was just “Idol’s” way of going out with a bang.
As confetti and ticker tape filled the stage, Scotty tried to catch it on his tongue like a snowflake.(I had to look away.) He dropped to his knees and presumably sobbed as if it were a Hometown Visit.
