President Donald Trump this week introduced a new immigration plan he wants to implement, offering people the option to get a green card — or, rather, a gold card. And Stephen Colbert promptly shredded the concept on Wednesday night.
According to Trump, a gold card would carry a price tag of $5 million, making it exclusively available to only exceedingly wealthy people from foreign countries.
“Echoing the eternal words on the Statue of Liberty, ‘Give me your tired your poor — psych! Give me 5 million bucks, biatch! We buying bottles in the clurb!’” Colbert joked.
In explaining the gold card to press, President Trump noted that it will “give you green card privileges-plus,” which only made Colbert scoff harder.
“Green card privileges-plus? So Trump’s going to Delta Comfort our immigration system?” he joked, putting on his Trump impression to explain the system. “‘It’s great. There’s green card, green card plus and green card platinum world traveler, folks. You get lounge access, a hot towelette, all the little cheese cubes you can stack up and a big glass water thing with old cucumbers floating in it!’”
Colbert also latched onto “the plus ones” that the gold card program would offer. As Trump explained it, the program would create a path where “people of wealth pay for … people of talent to get in.”
“I’m sure that’ll only attract good people and zero criminals,” the comedian quipped, launching into an imitation of a plutocrat paying for someone else. “‘Yeah, yeah, got a real talented guy to bring in. He can get rid of a body like that! I mean, he’s really good at playing the flute, or computers, or whatever the f–k!’”
When a member of the press pointed this exact possibility out to Trump himself, by asking if a Russian oligarch could obtain a gold card, the president was all too eager to agree, even saying, “I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people.”
“Yeah, could be! Could be Russian oligarchs!” Colbert retorted, once again imitating Trump. “Could be for some other nice folks, I’ve met! Mr. Skeletor, Gargamel, Nosferatu. Nosferatu, very misunderstood, folks, ancient evil comes from a far away land, but he’s just trying to make it with some beautiful young ladies. Wait, nope, that’s Rupert Murdoch.”
You can watch Stephen Colbert’s full monologue in the video, above.
