Monday’s episode of “The Late Show” was a flashback to the lockdown era of sorts, as Stephen Colbert taped the whole show from his house. Why? Because, as he put it in the show’s cold open, “I am pregnant with COVID.”
“I’m your host, Stephen Colbert. Keen-eyed viewers may notice tonight’s show looks just a little different. I am not presently in the Ed Sullivan Theater. I’m in the Ed solo my house, because this morning I woke up feeling not great,” Colbert said.
“Flaming throat, a little sweaty, coughy. Took one of those at-home tests, and it says that I am not pregnant. But I took a COVID test and it told me I am pregnant with COVID,” Colbert joked.
“So I took three more tests. And they all agreed — and just want to take a second here to salute the manufacturers for making such a consistent or reliable product. But did it really have to be so reliable?” Colbert continued.
The host went on to say he’s bummed because he’ll miss out on the scheduled guests.
“I was really looking forward to meeting Jada Pinkett Smith tonight. The only upside is since I am isolating, no one can slap me for having her name in my mouth,” he said, referring to what Will Smith said to Chris Rock before slapping him at the Oscars back in 2022.
“So that’s it. I have a COVID-19 again, even though it’s 2023. I should at least have something new, like COVID 23,” Colbert added. “I hear it has a better camera and the USB C charging port so you can use it in Europe.”
“Right now I’m feeling, let’s say fine, just a sore throat and a bad case of the lonelies,” Colbert assured viewers. “I can hear you saying ‘awwww,’ which only makes me lonelier. Thanks anyway.”
“I learned something interesting about COVID protocols today,” Colbert went on. “We still have them. That came as something of a surprise. I’ve been told I can return to the office and do the show live once I test negative, so I will keep you abreast.”
You can watch the entire monologue above.
