Ably describing the chaotic and troubling situation in Washington, D.C. — the wrecking ball allies of Donald Trump are illegally taking to the U.S. government — is difficult. But Stephen Colbert had a clever analogy on Tuesday’s “The Late Show,” likening the situation, which is of course being spearheaded by Elon Musk, to Musk’s own defective products.
Colbert got to that first by describing Musk, who holds no government position but has been illegally given access to dozens of critical government databases and services, which he has then illegally handed over to underlings, as “a very sad, very lonely little boy who had all the money in the world yet could not buy a single droplet of cool.”
“But Elon was able to buy his way into our government, and now he’s blowing it up like a Tesla and self driving mode in just the past couple weeks,” Colbert added.
“In just the past couple of weeks, Musk and his minions have commandeered, among other things, the Office of Personnel Management, the federal government’s human resources department,” Colbert explained. “You’re the richest man on earth. You want to take over HR? Why can’t you be a fun billionaire like Richard Branson?”
At this, Colbert brought up a photo of Branson. “Here he is kite surfing, wearing a naked lady on his back like a Jansport backpack. Or the Dyson guy. He invented a vacuum and grows delicious strawberries. Now, Elon, you could be the next Dyson. You never stop sucking,” Colbert joked.
Colbert continued to lay into the Tesla owner, noting that Musk “brought along a crack team of recent children, a group of engineers between the ages of 19 and 24” who are carrying out his orders to essentially wreck the U.S. government. “They should be unstoppable, as long as their mission does not involve renting a car with unlimited access to the government servers.”
Colbert mocked Musk’s plan to use AI to make spending cut determinations, joking, “ah yes, famously accurate AI, the cutting edge technology that told Google users to eat at least one small rock per day. I know, I know on the surface, I know that sounds dumb, but a rock is the only way to defeat the scissors that AI told you to swallow first. So, so delicious.”
Then Colbert told a joke that referenced longstanding rumors and bombshell Wall Street Journal reporting alleging Musk abuses multiple hard drugs including Ketamine. (Musk says his ketamine use is strictly by prescription.)
“So how is Musk even allowed to do any of this?” Colbert asked, noting that Musk’s “Department of Government Efficiency” isn’t actually part of the government. “He’s not an elected official. He’s just some guy who gave Trump $288 million. Well, to smear a thin coat of legitimacy on Musk’s rampage, the White House gave him the title of special government employee. Yeah, special government employee. It’s superficial and super important. It even comes with a plastic badge from Hasbro, and a ‘my first vile of ketamine’ kit.”
“If all of this, if all of this, feels weird and unconstitutional,” Colbert added, “yeah.”
There’s more of course. Watch the whole monologue below.