During his monologue on Wednesday’s “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert mainly talked about the results of the Super Tuesday primary elections and their after effects. Among them, the fact that nearly all Republican leaders are endorsing Donald Trump.
Colbert took particular issue with outgoing GOP Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, who endorsed Trump this week. Tearing into what he called a “cynical act of cowardice,” Colbert referenced how McConnell is frequently said to look like a turtle, with a particularly fun pun.
“Despite Trump’s dominant polling, he didn’t get a total sweep because Nikki Haley won Vermont,” Colbert said midway through the monologue after a long bit about the primaries. “Which means by law, she gets her own Ben and Jerry’s slaver’s flavor. So keep an eye out for ‘half baked explanation of how slavery didn’t cause the Civil War.’”
That was of course a reference to how Haley pandered to racists back in December by misrepresenting the cause of the Civil War before awkwardly walking it back.
“That wasn’t enough. which is why this morning Nikki Haley dropped out of the 2024 presidential race. So long. America will never forget you …” Colbert said, trailing off. “I want to say … Narky Stanley nibbly snacky? Sticky Hale-Bop?”
“Notably, Haley did not endorse Trump, but the rest of the GOP establishment is falling in line,” Colbert said as he brought up McConnell. “In fact this morning, Mitch McConnell endorsed Trump.”
After some booing from Colbert’s studio audience, he added, “That headline again: Tortoise Endorses Hair.”
Obviously, “Hair” in this case refers to Trump’s.
“This is a final cynical act of evil and cowardice from a man who has made a cynical career. McConnell has already stepped down from leadership, and his parting gesture is to hand his shriveled blue ball sack to the man who launched racist attacks on his wife, called him ‘a dumb son of a bitch,’ and ‘a broken down crow,’” Colbert explained, before launching into an impression of McConnell.
“That’s right, right Mr. President. It’s me Mitch, your dumb little broken down crow,” Colbert-as-McConnell said.
You can watch the complete monologue at the top of the page now.
