American corporations: want to boost the company stock price? Treat your customers like crap, Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert opined on Wednesday.
The American Customer Satisfaction Index results are in, and the top ranker is Mercedes-Benz — “The Cadillac of cars,” Colbert quipped.
However, an analysis of that analysis, conducted by Bloomberg Businessweek, indicates that high customer satisfaction might actually be bad for business.
It turns out, the most-hated companies had better stock market returns than the beloved brands. If anything, spending money to make customers happy might hurt profits, Businessweek found.
See video: Stephen Colbert Wants to Join Edward Snowden in Brazil, Leaking Info and Sipping Daiquiris
Or, as Colbert summarized the findings, “The free market has spoken, and it said, ‘Fuck you.’”
Take Time Warner Cable (please). While having one of the lowest customer satisfaction scores, stock prices soared more than 450 percent over a five-year period — ironically the same length of time that customers have been waiting for the cable guy to show up, the “Colbert Report” host joked.
So in the interest of profitability, Colbert is going to help American companies by getting their ACSI scores in the toilet. His best suggestion: “Olive Garden, change your slogan from ‘When You’re Here, You’re Family’ to ‘The Waiter Put His Penis on it.’”
Watch the clip:
