Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump opened up the first new “SNL” episode in three weeks with a speed-run through recent Trump-news, with Baldwin as POTUS reading a prepared statement specifically to prove that yes, the president can read.
He was also finally straight with the American people, describing his presidency as “a four-year cash grab.”
Baldwin’s Trump met with leaders of the Baltic states for a press conference, but even as the event started, Trump was eager to leave. “Let’s make this quick because I’ve got more trade wars to escalate,” he said. “That’s why I added more tariffs on things like fireworks and finger traps.”
Trump then introduced his counterparts from the Baltic States, listing them as “Estonia, Lithuania, and I wanna say Stankonia.” Trump further endeared himself to the other world leaders, saying, “Baltic Avenue was always my favorite, after Oriental Avenue, which you can’t say anymore. You have to call it China Street. So sad.”
“Before I turn things over to these freak shows here I’m going to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read. I hate this,” Trump continued, before quickly reading off the prepared statement — which started with, “Do not congratulate Putin.” “Oh wait,” Baldwin’s Trump said. “That’s a note for me.”
As soon as he was finished reading the statement, Baldwin’s Trump immediately congratulated Putin, just like the real Trump did, despite a real-life note reminding him not to.
“First up a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin,” he said. “Nobody’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler.”
Trump then handed the reins of the event to the Baltic leaders while he zoned out, completely bored.
“Oh my god I’m already so bored,” Baldwin narrated for Trump’s thoughts. “I wish I was watching Roseanne, how great is that show. Roseanne loves me, she’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.”
Trump then took questions from journalists. He ducked answering about Stormy Daniels, admitted to hating Jeff Bezos because the Amazon CEO is richer and admits he’s bald, and talked about a caravan of immigrants in Mexico by describing the armored cars from the movie “Max Max: Fury Road.” He even called he immigrants “Mad Maxicans.”
When asked about whether he was worried his policies are ruining America, Baldwin’s Trump finally leveled with the nation.
“I am not worried at all, because here is the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who’s willing to actually say this, ‘I don’t care about America,’” Trump explained. “Okay? This whole presidency is a four-year cash grab and admitting that will probably get me four more years, but I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, does that answer all of your questions?”