If I were casting a soap opera full of conflict, corporate politics, raging ego, blatant personal agendas and a fresh-faced innocent, I’d look no further than David Letterman, Sarah Palin, John Ziegler and Willow Palin.
Or do I mean Bristol?
But what should’ve been a minor-league, easily extinguished PR problem has escalated into a pretty nasty piece of business. With more arms and legs than the Gosselins.
The facts are simple. Last week in a monologue, Letterman makes a frat-boy joke about Palin and her sexually active 18-year-old daughter Bristol in New York — one that isn’t in great taste but no worse than Jay Leno, Jon Stewart or Bill Maher on a bad day.
It’s also factually inaccurate: Palin was with her 14-year-old Willow, not with Bristol. The governor, who’s being increasingly shunted to the sidelines by Republican leadership, sees her chance to grab a little fresh publicity and comes out swinging.
Instead of a simple apology to put it behind him, Letterman offers up wishy-washy “if I offended anyone … ” remorse, never a good decision. Surprised at her good fortune, Palin ramps up her visibility. And Ziegler, a minor right-wing radio talker in pursuit of self-promotion, emerges as organizer-in-chief of a "Fire David Letterman" campaign complete with a rally Tuesday in front of his studio. Without letting Letterman’s full-blown apology on Monday’s show get in the way.
How did this go from footnote to full frontal? Here are our Top 10 Reasons Why This is a PR Perfect Storm:
10) Letterman doesn’t play well with others. He notoriously runs his own shop, calls his own shots and rarely listens to CBS. It’s likely that his first clumsy attempt at a fix didn’t consider any input from the network, which has years of crisis-management experience.
9) Whether it was coy courtship or a misplaced sense of self-importance, Letterman’s first statement was also aimed at getting Palin as a guest — as John McCain did after getting busted for blowing off a "Late Night" booking during the campaign. But don’t forget that that door remains open.
8) Palin still has no self-edit button when it comes to making personal matters public. She doesn’t hesitate to drag her family into the spotlight for her own goals, even selling out single mother Bristol as a born-again abstinence ambassador to land a recent People cover. So rather than consider whether her daughters are cringing at this latest wave of attention, she’s chasing it.
7) … And she hasn’t learned the concept of “soundbite.” As a feminist committed to the positive self-image of young women, I found Letterman’s joke clumsy and thought Palin had a great chance to speak up for them. But when she rambled on and on about the right of free speech and how our military was overseas defending it, I wished a moose would just eat me.
6) "Late Night’s" really interesting again these days, thanks to its new war with Conan over late-night dominance. You don’t see anyone in search of publicity complaining about Jimmy Fallon’s jokes.
5) Not to mention that the media who report on TV are bored. The season’s over, and "I’m a Celebrity" is a bomb. Do you want them stuck covering "The Housewives of New Jersey"?
4) The Couric Factor. Palin’s never had a real shot at sticking it to CBS and the anchor following September’s devastating interview. And Couric’s recent jokes about the experience on "The Daily Show" and at a few events have only made revenge sweeter.
3) The Republicans miss Dan Rather. While they’ve gone after NBC/MSNBC, CNN and now ABC, they haven’t had much to kick at CBS. Maybe because CBS News’ new head of PR is one of their own. But unless they get angry with "Law & Order" reruns, the GOP is running out of media targets.
2) It’s the silly summer season. There’s something about warm weather, no school and suntan lotion that makes people crave the stupid stuff.
1) And the number one reason why this is bigger than it needs to be: John Ziegler is desperate for personal publicity. The talk-radio star wannabe, who’s spent years flailing around for fame, makes Glenn Beck look like Colin Powell. This is a man who’s piggybacked on Palin’s fame for months. And — what a coincidence — his latest local talk show just made its premiere June 8. Thank God Palin delivered, or else he’d be leading a protest march against Al Roker on behalf of Speidi.
The winner in all this? Willow Palin. Everyone’s been sighing about the poor teen. But just think: She’s the cute, seemingly-precocious middle child of five and, for perhaps the first time in her life, is getting some well-deserved attention.
And not only that, she was mistaken for her hotter older sister and romantically linked to Madonna’s ex. Pretty cool.