Per usual, Jimmy Kimmel spent his monologue on Thursday’s episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live” talking about some of the horrible stuff that’s keeping me and, I’m sure, a lot of you reading this up night after night. And apparently it’s all even getting him down, so he decided to ease the pain with a gospel choir that sang out the bright side of all the bad news.
Called the “Silver Linings Singers,” the choir came up with some pretty funny silver linings that made at least me temporarily forget that we’re all doomed. You know, before remembering again.
In case you’re curious, before getting to this bit, Kimmel talked about some non sad stuff, like the Los Angeles Dodgers and LA’s new vaccine mandate. Then he mocked the 25th anniversary of Fox News, followed by some jokes about the latest revelations of how far Trump went in his efforts to overthrow the government earlier this year. That last bit seemed to get him down a bit.
“It’s very frustrating, it really is. I mean, there’s no accountability anymore. It feels like, I don’t know, we’re drowning in bad news lately. Between COVID and the climate crisis and everyone fighting all the time,” Kimmel said. “It’s getting increasingly difficult to see the good in anything. But tonight – we’re gonna try – with some help from the Silver Lining Singers.”
They way it worked is that Kimmel would read a bit of bad news, and the choir would respond with something positive about it. We’ll just quote the whole thing verbatim, below. And of course, you can watch the entire monologue above.
Kimmel: Social distancing in schools has left a lot of children feeling isolated without human touch.
SILVER LINING SINGERS: But they don’t have lice! Yeah Yeah! The kids, they don’t have lice! We’ve said it once, we’ve said it twice! Those dirty kids – they don’t have lice! Hallelujah!
Kimmel: Well, alright. That feels kind of good, but- well how about this: Facebook and Instagram were down for six hours on Monday.
SILVER LINING SINGERS: We got so much done! We got so much done! Singer 1: I did my job! Singer 2: And I listened in class! Singer 3: I hugged my son! Singer 4: I washed my ass! All: We got so much done… Hallelujah!
Kimmel: Alright. Well, you know- that’s great and all but gifts are probably going to cost more this holiday season. And retailers are warning toys might not arrive on time for Christmas.
SILVER LINING SINGERS: Your kid don’t need another Barbie doll or truck. No more plastic crap in your house. And you know those Pop-its suck! Your kids don’t need a Nintendo Switch! Life is hard! And Santa is a bitch!… Hallelujah!
Kimmel: Alright, okay. This one though is really bad…There’s a massive oil spill off the coast of California dumped 144,000 gallons of oil into the Pacific ocean – just about 20 miles from where we are right now
SILVER LINING SINGERS: Now there is so much parking at the beach! No one’s here! Unfold your chair – and you can put your blanket down just anywhere! And you can stretch out and take off your top. You won’t see a cop – cause no one’s at the beach!
Kimmel: Alright. Okay. Let me hit you then with one more. The future doesn’t look bright. And if things don’t change, kids born in 2020 will see a significant spike in climate disasters – disasters like flooding…
SILVER LINING SINGERS: Go and buy some new rain boots!
Kimmel: Wildfires,
SILVER LINING SINGERS: No more bears!
Kimmel: Hurricanes,
SILVER LINING SINGERS: Free blowouts!
Kimmel: water shortages
SILVER LINING SINGERS: Drink tequila!
Kimmel: Polar ice caps melting,
SILVER LININGS SINGERS: No more bears!
Kimmel: Wow. You guys really hate bears..
SINGER (talking) Remember that one almost killed Leonardo DiCaprio so…
Kimmel: Oh, that was a movie though. That was The Revenant. That was a movie.
SINGER (singing) That was a movie? That wasn’t real?
Kimmel: No.
ALL SINGERS: Leonardo DiCaprio is fine! (oh yes he’s FINE!) This nation will heal! Leonardo DiCaprio is fine! THIS NATION WILL HEAL!! Hallelujah!!