On Thursday Jimmy Kimmel kicked off his monologue with a look at how things are, slowly but surely, returning to something like normal after more than a year of the deadly COVID-19 pandemic. And he rolled out a surprisingly useful guide for people trying to reenter their social lives during the discussion.
Modeled after the COVID safety tiers deployed all over the country, the guide prioritizes people based on their relationship to you during the pandemic, and then tells you how much, or little, you have to see them once you’re vaccinated. Sold, guys.
“It isn’t easy because, like – where do you start? Who do you start with? Who do you see first?” Kimmel said as he got into the gag. “It’s tough – so we came up with a covid style – priority plan to help. First – and also last – we have the red tier.”
“These are people you did not communicate with at all during the pandemic. They never texted to say ‘u ok?’ – or ‘sup?’ They didn’t drop off a loaf of bread – and you didn’t speak to them even once,” Kimmel continued. “These are people – not only do you not have to see them soon, you never have to see them again, okay?”
Here’s what that looked like:
“Next closest to the bottom, we have the purple tier,” Kimmel said. “These are the friends and relatives who were too in touch during the pandemic. The ones who forced you into the zoom happy hours. That went well past the free 40 minutes. You’ve seen enough of them. They’re near the back of the line.”
Here’s what that looked like:
“Then we have the orange tier,” Kimmel continued. “These are the people who – recorded a birthday video message for you – or maybe drove to your house and waved – maybe they dropped off a pie. They get a priority slot.”
Here’s what that looked like:
“And finally The top tier is the yellow tier,” Kimmel said as he wrapped it up. “This is anyone – who, over the course of the pandemic – used the bathroom in your house. Okay, that’s how we’re going to judge it. If their pants were off, under your roof. Not only can you get together, you can wrestle if you want to! You can really go crazy”
Here’s how that looked:
Watch the whole thing above. The bit comes early, during the COVID-related discussion that kicks off the monologue.