Pundits and political scientists have written a lot about what mistakes by the Democratic Party may have led to Donald Trump’s 2024 victory. But a dejected Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday joked that for the next election, he would rather they figure this out in advance.
“The GOP is expected to win the House now — they already won the Senate — of course, they won the White House too,” Kimmel said during his “Jimmy Kimmel Live” monologue. “I don’t know. Maybe next time all these political experts can publish their articles on ‘where the Democrats went wrong’ before the election? So we don’t have this happen.”
Kimmel made this joke while discussing the rush of news about how Trump intends to behave during his second term, and the kind of people he’ll be staffing his administration with.
“Trump plans to issue a number of executive orders on Day 1. He wants four Big Macs, six large fries, two buckets of KFC and in addition, he wants to put an executive order eliminating immigration and his ongoing fight against the climate,” Kimmel said.
Kimmel also noted how Trump’s chief of staff has indicated he’ll continue to hold rallies even while president (as he did during his first term). “That way, Americans can stay up to date on the size of the late Arnold Palmer’s dong and what not.”
After noting the absence of Trump’s wife, Melania, from the campaign, as well as his growing close relationship with Elon Musk, Kimmel said, “Trump is expected to name … South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem Secretary of Homeland Security to keep our nation safe from unruly Labradoodles, I guess.” (This was of course a reference to the story that derailed Noem’s chances of being Trump’s vice president — the time she killed a dog in a fit of rage.)
“One of his main messages during the campaign,” Kimmel added, “was about killing the pets! They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the cats! He goes out and hires the woman who shot her puppy. Kristi Noem shouldn’t be in charge of a PetSmart, let alone Homeland Security.”
Earlier in his monologue, Kimmel noted how Melania Trump won’t be attending Donald Trump’s meeting on Wednesday with Joe Biden at the White House.
“Is that a good sign for the relationship?” Kimmel asked. Could you imagine if they split up? Can you imagine if we had a single Donald Trump hitting on UN translators? Bringing Playmates from 1994 back to the Lincoln bedroom? It could — it could be really great, actually.”
Watch the whole monologue below: