Jimmy Kimmel had a lot to catch up on during Tuesday’s episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” which marked his return from his summer vacation.
Kimmel of course was out while a lot of very huge events happened, most notably the huge changes to the 2024 presidential election — Joe Biden dropping out as the Democratic Party nominee a month after a disastrous debate against Donald Trump and Kamala Harris quickly securing the nomination.
Donald Trump also said a lot of crazy things this summer, and so Kimmel spent the first part of his monologue recapping all of that at length. After it was over, he joked, “You know, actually, for a normal person, it would have taken a lifetime to say that many stupid things in public. Trump did it in two months.”
Eventually, he got to the topic of the current candidates for vice president, starting with Trump’s pick, JD Vance.
“There a lot of things Trump isn’t good at. One of the things he’s especially not good at, is picking running mates,” Kimmel said, adding that “he made a huge mistake with this JD Vance.”
Vance, Kimmel explained, “can’t stop stepping in it … For a guy who wears more eyeliner than Liza Minelli, you’d think he’d have a better understanding of women,” he said, referencing Vance’s numerous and documented attacks on women without children.
“JD Vance looks like someone asked AI to make the two and a half men one person,” Kimmel continued. “And it’s even worse for Trump, considering the home run Team Harris hit with this Tim Walz.”
“I don’t know where they were hiding him, but he is, I mean, he is beautiful. His blood type is Corn Dog Batter. He belongs to several pickle of the month clubs,” Kimmel continued. “Tim Walz is the kind of guy who, if you sat next to him on a plane, he’d ask you, ‘What brings you to Tampa?,’ because he genuinely wants to know what brings you to Tampa.”
“JD Vance would just sit there watching you sleep,” Kimmel added.
Kimmel then said he believes Vance was picked as Trump’s running mate on the suggestion of his son, Donald Trump Jr.
“Another good move, dumbass,” Kimmel said while smirking directly into the camera. “If Trump loses this election, he’s going to sue his son to take the ‘junior’ away.”
Kimmel ended the segment of the monologue by noting that “things are looking up” since Kamala Harris became the Democratic Party nominee.
“I’m feeling a lot better than I did after the debate. Oh, that was quite a night. It was like a half nightmare, half hospice.”
Watch the complete monologue below:
