As ABC’s resident late-night host, Jimmy Kimmel had the delightful task of tickling the funny bones of New York ad buyers at another year of upfronts. And once again, he did not disappoint.
Kimmel took shots at his own network, of course, but didn’t hold back against rivals FOX, NBC, or CBS either.
Here are the “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” host’s best jokes from ABC’s upfront presentation:
Also read: Seth Meyers’ Best Jokes From the NBC Upfront
“Being the head of a network is hard, but somehow Paul Lee makes it look even harder.”
“Paul said we’re number one. We’re number one? … The ABC I work at is not number one. In fact, we may need to crash on your couch for a while. Even Anne Sweeney was like, the hell with this, I’m out of here.”
“Barbara Walters is stepping down this week, very carefully.”
“We made history with Juan Pablo Galavis, our first nonwhite ‘Bachelor,’ and everybody hated him, so we’re never doing that again.”
“NBC, they’re very pleased with themselves, aren’t they? And they should be. Who would’ve thought the Olympics would rate? … And yet there was Bob Greenblatt there yesterday, on stage, rubbing his nipples the whole time he talked.”
“As you know NBC has locked up the summer and winter olympics until 2032. That is so cute, they still think there’s gonna be winter by 2032.”
“You double down, and you hit ’em with Peter mother fuckin’ Pan. Is Bob running a network or a high school theater camp?”
“People who watch CBS are like Sasquatch. I’ve heard reports that they exist, but I’ve never actually seen one.”
“Kevin Reilly has announced that canceling pilot season is his plan. He says it’s a waste of money. It’s a shame, because pilot season is one of the only seasons we have in Los Angeles.”
“‘Gotham’ — from what I can tell, this is a show for people who love everything about Batman, except Batman. You know that part of the story that’s so boring every Batman movie skips right past it? Well now that’s a series. We’ll get to see the Dark Knight’s testicles descend every week.”
“As part of an ultra-premium integration package, ABC is for the first time ever, offering naming rights to my baby … Together we will introduce Crest Whitestrips Kimmel to both the world and the marketplace. It’s a concept I call ‘cervical integration.’ And it works! Look what happened to Apple after they made that deal with Gwyneth Paltrow.”
“People are becoming resistant to online ads; but still, I will admit, there is no better way to reach the key masturbating demographic than through online ads.”
“I know I say this every year, but this year, I’m totally serious in saying all of our new shows will be canceled.”
“Don’t get too attached to any of these shows, because most of them won’t survive. It’s like adopting a kitten with cancer. Oh too much? I’m sorry. Well, you’re going to hate our new show, ‘Kittens with Cancer.’”
“If you do decide to buy time, I hope you buy from us … Dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be wiling to trade all the days from this day to that to trade one chance to say, ‘In the year 2014 I got very drunk and spent $10 million on an ABC show called ‘Selfie.’ I like to think you would. We will take your money, but we will never take your freedom.”