I am deeply sorry to hear that some women have felt disrespected by my actions.
I thought [insert: popping out of a shower naked, sticking my tongue down their throats, wanking off in front of them, grabbing their bottoms] was mutual and fun for all.
I have since learned I was the only one who enjoyed it.
I have also since learned that I have [insert: a drinking problem, a sex addiction problem, restless hands syndrome, a trigger d-ck].
I have therefore decided to seek [insert: therapy, David Boies, the presidency of the United States of America].
I take full responsibility for my insensitive behavior even though [insert: not all of the published accounts are true, I am a national treasure, the accounts reported represent a mere sampling of my smooth moves].
I have always respected [insert: more powerful women, menopausal women, my mom].
Therefore, I am eager to be part of [insert: a public conversation, a mentoring program for high school girls, a new multimedia company made up of men like me and a few aspiring actresses who think they’re auditioning for “Mad Men”].
Thank you.