Colbert Cold Open: Hallmark Channel Goes Full Guy-on-Girl Porn to Prove It’s Not Into Gay Stuff (Video)

“Time to get your sugarplums off and your nuts cracked”

Stephen Colbert didn’t even wait for his monologue to mock Hallmark Channel for its initial decision to pull a Zola ad featuring a lesbian kiss. No, CBS’ “The Late Show” went right after the cable channel in the cold open.

“Hallmark really wants you to know that we value traditional, heterosexual relationships,” a voiceover read. “To show you how much, Hallmark is proud to introduce Hallmark After Dark.”

The soft holiday music soon gave way to some of that ’70s bass-and-horn stuff. Yeah, it’s on.

Hallmark After Dark is just like your favorite Hallmark Christmas films, but “with hardcore man-on-woman jammin’,” as the (fake, obviously) commercial went.

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