Watching a “Final Destination” movie is like watching a Looney Tune where the anvils keep dropping, but all the characters can die. These are sick, twisted comedies about the futility of mortality and the loosey-goosiness of internal organs. The only reason they’re funny is because at their best — which is most of the time — they have perfect comic timing. They may be grim films that revel in death and misery, but they’re also some of the most enjoyable cinematic spectacles ever made.
“Final Destination Bloodlines” is no exception. The franchise may have taken a 14-year hiatus, but it hasn’t lost a step. If anything, “Bloodlines” may be a new high point for the series. Like always, it’s about a group of people who were supposed to die but slipped through death’s fingers. And, like always, death is pretty pissed off about that and will stop at nothing to balance its books. Let the carnage commence.
We never meet Death in these movies, or at least we never have a conversation with it. All we know for certain is that it loves its work and it’s a mischievous lil scamp. Death doesn’t even seem to be all-powerful. I’m not sure who wrote the rules (and it’s even less clear who’s enforcing them), but apparently all Death is allowed to do is manipulate reality in extremely tiny ways. Death can’t make you spontaneously combust, nor can it give you a sudden aneurism. But it can alter the ricochet of a dropped penny and it can make a stray electric spark fall on the dry leaves in your gutters. Death can drop a piece of broken glass in a cup full of crushed ice. Seventeen unpredictable steps later and you’re bifurcated by an elevator or getting sucked into a ceiling fan.
Yes, fortunately for us, and unfortunately for Death’s victims, this entity is devilishly creative.“Final Destination Bloodlines” has some of the best kills in the series, in part because they’re inventive and gory, and in part because directors Zach Lipovsky and Adam Stein love to prime the pump. You’re always on the lookout for the little details that presage a spectacular death scene, and “Bloodlines” is very canny about fitting those pieces together in unexpected ways. It always plays fair and it always plays for keeps.
That bit with the piece of glass in a cup of crushed ice I mentioned two paragraphs ago is one of the most suspenseful scenes on record, and I mean maybe ever. The thought of swallowing a glass shard is so painful and plausible that we can’t help envision it. So as every member of the Reyes/Campbell family toast their glasses and nearly take a chug, for minutes on end, Lipovsky and Stein keep those glasses in the foreground. The tinkle of the ice is ever so slightly amplified. We know someone is going to swallow that glass. We just don’t know when, or if that’s all there is to it. So we wince in anticipatory terror every couple of seconds. Hitchcock would swoon over filmmaking as harrowing and pure as this. And he’d probably bust a gut at how Lipovsky and Stein pay off every set-up in unexpected, hilariously evil ways.
The plot — oh yes, there is one — begins with Stefani (Kaitlyn Santa Juana) having terrible nightmares about a deadly tragedy half a century ago. When she returns home from college to investigate that incident, she discovers her grandmother Iris (Gabrielle Rose) was there and had a premonition, which saved dozens of people. But technically they were all supposed to die, so Death has spent decades killing them off. The problem is, Death has a lot on its plate, and understandably so, so it’s taken such a long time that many of those people had kids, and their kids had kids, and none of those people were ever supposed to be born, and now they have to die, too.
Stefani’s family is the last group on Death’s list and she’s on a mission to save them all, whether they believe her warnings or not. Connecting all the victims on Death’s checklist is a wise decision, and not just because it saves the filmmakers the time it usually takes to introduce a big ensemble to each other. The idea of a family that’s doomed to die for reasons they don’t understand, whether they deserve it or not, gives “Bloodlines” a gothic, tragic, Edgar Allan Poe-ish quality. One can easily imagine one of these patriarchs played by Vincent Price, going gradually mad as fate makes a ghoulish fool out of him.
The emotional connection we form with these characters adds heft to a film which, let’s be honest, didn’t need any. We’re here for the kills and, again, every single kill in “Final Destination Bloodlines” is a winner. Every time a head explodes, which is a lot, you’ll want to stand up and cheer. We know the cast and crew can’t hear us. Duh. It’s a knee-jerk, instinctual reaction to dazzling showmanship. “Bloodlines” may not be prestigious but, in the old-fashioned stage magic definition, it’s got nothing but prestige.
It’s incredibly important not to apply too much logic to these “Final Destination” movies, though, since the whole point is that Death works exclusively in improbabilities. But there is one wrinkle that “Bloodlines” introduces halfway through that calls an earlier kill into question, making us wonder if Death sometimes forgets to do its research. Oh Death, will you never learn.
Then again, maybe the point is that Death is merely an a-hole. We see so many films about how death is inevitable, but also an important part of life and beautiful in a sad way and blah-blah-blah. One of the most lovable things about the “Final Destination” movies is that nobody comes to terms with their fate. Death’s grand design doesn’t benefit people in any way. Death sucks as both a concept and a person. Screw Death, seriously. But celebrate these movies. They’re pretty much all winners, and “Final Destination Bloodlines” may be the best.
“Final Destination Bloodlines” is now playing in theaters.
