“Saturday Night Live” writing team Please Don’t Destroy and host Dakota Johnson ripped each other apart in a video sketch Saturday night.
They opened cordially enough, with Johnson walking into the trio’s office as they worked on writing this week’s show. She carried a drink — possibly coffee, though with the slams to come, it could very well be tea — and told them she’d seen all of their videos.
When they ask if she was serious, Johnson responds, “Yes! They’re really… not for me.”
The group’s Ben Marshall (the redhead) replies that that’s not what he expected her to say when she walked in, but “must be that dry sense of humor.” At which point they cut to a Johnson reaction shot where she remains stone-cold serious.
John Higgins follows up by pitching a sketch, but when he notes it would involve one of them playing her boyfriend, she bursts into snorting laughter.
“Sorry, that’s like the first funny thing you’ve ever said,” Johnson adds.
“That wasn’t a joke,” the group’s Martin Herlihy replies (he’s the one with the curly hair and glasses).
“So is it like a Make-A-Wish thing?” Johnson continues. “Does my character have brain damage?”
Herlihy asks if they did something to offend her.
“No! No. I mean, I’ve always wanted to meet the Lonelier Island,” Johnson says in a cold retort before sipping more of her drink.
The group jumps in, replying that they’re ready to get into it — “It’s on now,” one of them says.
“Well hey, I’ve always wanted to meet the ‘Madame Web,’” Higgins says, apparently gesturing to Johnson. “Can you introduce me to Sydney Sweeney?” he adds, referencing her costar and “Euphoria” star.
“What’s her superpower?” Marshall continues. “Whispering in monotone?”
Johnson shoots back, “How does it feel to be in the least viral Taylor Swift video that she’s ever had?” She points up to a photo on their mantle showing Swift with them in their music video sketch “Three Sad Virgins.”
You can watch that video, led by former cast member Pete Davidson, right here:
Herlihy adds, “Do you still have to audition, or do they just give you the part as soon as Aubrey Plaza says no?”
Johnson’s next salvo: “You know, I can tell by just looking at you that you guys loved ‘Hamilton.’”
While the group tries to play it off, denying her accusation, Higgins quietly hides a photo of him with Lin-Manuel Miranda.
He replies, “Well hey, I love that you’re still doing bangs. Very Obama first term.”
Johnson says, “That’s almost as funny as the movie you made that no one saw.”
Marshall breaks a pencil in frustration.
“Then more people saw it than will see your new movie ‘Daddio,’” Herlihy said, referencing Johnson’s drama that premiered at last year’s Telluride Festival.
“Is ‘daddio’ who you called to get your job?” Johnson replies, invoking Please Don’t Destroy’s reputation as nepo babies, given both Herlihy and Higgins being second-generation “SNL” writers whose dads had great success working on the show.
“You want to do this? You want to do the parent thing?” Higgins responds.
“Nope, not really. Nepo truce?” Johnon, the daughter of actor Don Johnson, replies.
Higgins and Herlihy agree to the “nepo truce,” at which point they each put in a fist with a ring on it — when the rings touch, they magically glow and the group begins to recite an apparent secret nepotism incantation.
“A foot in the door, and so much more,” the group says. But when Marshall reaches in to join, the others block him given that he’s the one Please Don’t Destroy member who’s not a legacy.
Herlihy looks to make peace, telling Johnson, “Look, I don’t even know why we’re insulting each other. I’m generally a big fan of yours. Like, I loved ‘A Bigger Splash.’”
But when Johnson hopefully replies, Herlihy twists the knife and adds, “Is that what you had hoped it would make in the box office?” The 2015 film grossed just $2 million domestically.
After the Please Don’t Destroy guys celebrate their attack, Johnson fires back up: “What’s it like looking like the last three guys a lesbian sleeps with before coming out?”
While Higgins tries to shrug it off, he ends up bursting into tears.
Johnson steps in, saying, “This is my impression of the only line people will care about this show: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake.’”
But a distracted Johnson seems to miss the “SNL” musical guest dig, responding as she holds up her phone, “Wait, what’d you say? Sorry, I was just looking at your movie’s 42% on Rotten Tomatoes.”
She looks to have won the battle, with Higgins responding with not-so-much a joke as a threat. He tells her he’s going to change the cue cards so that she says the N-word during her monologue.
They end up apologizing to one another, with Johnson delivering one final shot: “Seriously, I think you guys are awesome. I’ve always loved ‘Workaholics,’” referencing the show created by another white dude-filled sketch comedy group which includes stars Adam DeVine and Anders Holm.
A defeated Please Don’t Destroy responds with one last burst of anger and frustration as the sketch concludes.
You can watch the whole battle in the video at the top of this story.
