As he usually does on Friday editions of “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert took a bit of a lighter tone in his monologue as he slung jokes at Donald Trump and Trump’s associates. To kick things off, Colbert took aim at Trump’s odd complaints about Air Force One, the presidential airplane.
“So we’re about halfway through Trump’s European trip. So far, he’s alienated all of our European allies and faced massive protests, but has learned a very important lesson from all of this: He wants a nicer plane,” Colbert said.
“He wants his ride pimped. Because we just found out that Trump wants to update the paint job on the next version of Air Force One. It’s either a new paint job or the plane’s got to get fake boobs. ‘Look, don’t get me wrong. Right now you’re just a 747. I’m telling you, with the right rack you could be a 9-40-10. I’m just sayin’. I’m just sayin’. It’s for you.’”
Of course, Trump’s reported issues with Air Force One go beyond just the way it looks on the outside, the CBS host noted.
“He also wants to upgrade the interior of Air Force One. Apparently, he wants the presidential bed aboard to be larger and more comfortable,” Colbert said. “Mr. President, we all struggle with our weight from time to time, but you’re in serious trouble if you’re outgrowing a plane.”
Aside from Trump’s plane problems, Colbert also discussed the burgeoning “scandal” involving his Supreme Court pick, Brett Kavanaugh.
“Of course, before Trump left on his stupid ugly plane, he announced his pick for the Supreme Court: federal judge and man-who-just-sliced-off-his-thumb-at-the-barbecue-but-insists-he’s-fine, Brett Kavanaugh. Now, a lot of people are afraid that Kavanaugh is the vote that’s going to overturn Roe v. Wade and a lot of other stuff. So Democrats are doing anything they can to stop his confirmation,” Colbert said, before offering some possibly helpful advice. “Have they thought about building a time machine and having him be nominated by Barack Obama? Because that would stop it.”
This being a joke about how the Republican-controlled Congress refused to even hold a vote on Merrick Garland, Obama’s pick to replace the late Antonin Scalia back in 2016. Then Colbert continued.
“They’re sifting through hundreds of thousands of pages of opinions and records and they think they found their scandal, because it turns out Brett Kavanaugh racked up huge credit card debt buying Washington Nationals tickets. That is… ” Colbert began before delivering an exaggerated yawn. “That scandal is so boring, we’re calling it nothing. We didn’t even come up with a thing.
“What is that? What is that? It’s the most boring political scandal since 1966 when Lyndon Johnson didn’t leave a penny. Apparently, Kavanaugh got himself into debt buying season tickets and tickets for playoff games for himself and a handful of friends. And some of the debts were also for home improvements. Baseball tickets and home improvement. I’d say this belongs in the ‘suburban dad scandal’ hall of fame.”
Colbert then conjured up some presumably fictional other entrants into that hall of fame.
“Right next to Dave Schneiderman forging tickets for Steely Dan’s 2007 ‘Heavy Rollers’ tour, Ken Vandercamp getting a little mustard on his new khakis and trying to return them to Dillard’s, and the time Mark O’Neill spent $1,200 on home brewing equipment and never even learned how to use it,” Colbert joked.
You can watch this portion of Colbert’s monologue from Friday’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of this post.