It was a picture perfect day in New York City, according to Stephen Colbert. “70 degrees. 70 degrees and sunny with a chance of jail,” he said.
Obviously he was referring to the historic arraignment of former president Donald Trump earlier in the day, which according to Colbert happened “about 4 miles south” of “The Late Show” studio. Trump was arraigned on 34 charges of felony business fraud related to the hush money payment of $130,000 he gave to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, allegedly from his presidential campaign funds, in 2016.
Colbert recapped some of the greatest hits from the day’s news, including the fact that Trump was late to the arraignment, and his actual arrival. After footage of CNN’s Anderson Cooper saying, “Donald J. Trump is now under arrest,” Colbert paused so his audience could cheer.
“I know, I know,” he finally said. “It feels good, but remember he is innocent until proven so, so guilty.”
“At that point,” Colbert continued, “he was read his Miranda rights. Then he claimed Miranda wasn’t even his type, asked her to sign an NDA and got indicted again.”
Colbert then made fun of how cable news filled the time in between actual news with analysis of a photo taken of Trump during the hearing. Someone on CNN said Trump “looks almost pensive,” which provoked an incredulous response from Colbert.
“Pensive? You know ‘pensive’ means ‘thinking,’ right? This is what he always looks like. There’s no way of knowing what’s going on in his head there,” Colbert said before asking “Jim” (his fictitious stage manager) to zoom in on the photo of Trump. At this point Trump’s head opened and he appeared to be thinking about a chicken breast doing a lap dance to “YMCA” by the Village People.
Colbert also poked fun at the courtroom sketch of Trump that was released to the public: “There it is, here’s the former president being indicted for stealing all of Whoville’s Christmas presents.”
Colbert took great amusement from a moment, captured by news cameras, when Trump entered the courtroom. An officer of the court entering just before Trump didn’t hold the door for him, prompting Colbert to joke, “It’s not often you see a door hitting an ass on the way in.”
Later in the monologue, Colbert noted how contrary to defiant predictions from Trump supporters, very few people showed up to protest the arraignment. “It’s never a good sign when there are fewer people at your current rally than are in prison for your last one,” Colbert said.
There’s a whole lot more of course. Watch the whole monologue at the top of the page.
