Stephen Colbert hosted “The Late Show” in front of a live studio audience for the first time since the pandemic began on Monday. But before he could finally kick off that post-pandemic milestone, he needed a little help remembering a crucial component of being on TV: Not exposing your junk.
Luckily, he had help getting himself dressed properly: His pants who, it turned out, are sentient and able to belt out showtunes that explain just how important it is to wear pants.
“First live audience in 15 months, let’s do it,” Colbert said as the cold open sketch faded in. But when he stood up, an off-camera voice asked him if he’d forgotten anything. This was, you guessed it, Colbert’s pants, coming to his rescue.
“Gosh, Pantsy, I haven’t worn professional-strength trousers in over a year! I don’t know if I can do it,” Colbert said, which inspired the pants to start singing a Broadway-style banger to get Colbert in the right frame of mind. Here, for your infotainment, are the lyrics:
Pants: When you do your show it would be apropos that we would go out there together
Colbert: You think the show could be sunk if I don’t cover my junk? Maybe we’ll do this together. But what’s wrong with a bottomless outfit?
Pants: I doubt CBS would allow it.
Both: No boxer, brief or even tighty whitey, alrighty! Together.
Pants: Your pasty white thighs could blind people’s eyes
Colbert: They’re bright as a Christmas day’s snow
Both: The crowd is back and we can’t distract with the sight of my/your middle-aged butt crack. Together, let’s do a show!
Alas, Colbert encountered one last obstacle: Turns out like a lot of us, he sort of didn’t work out a lot during the pandemic and now the pants don’t fit.
Watch the clip below:
And here’s how it looked when Colbert finally did make out out onstage, in case you’re wondering: