Though the latest episode of “Real Time” was the first of the Joe Biden era, Bill Maher used his “New Rules” segment to talk not about the newly minted administration, but instead about Republicans.
Specifically, he introduced a brand new segment intended to update his audience on the rising stars of the Republican Party. And just in case you think Maher has softened his opinion of them now that Donald Trump has left the White House, the segment is called “Hello, Douchebag.” In that spirit, he noted that Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley, who expressed support for the seditious riot Trump instigated on Jan. 6, is “the far-right JFK with a little dash of KKK.”
“Republican restock douchebags with the efficiency of an Amazon warehouse,” Maher joked as he started the bit. “They churn out new crazy like the Hallmark Channel makes Christmas movies. So I thought it might be prudent moving forward if we took a moment at the beginning of the year to get to know the up-and-comers — the douchebags to keep an eye on. The new, fresh-faced, hate-for-profit, truth-bending opportunists that you’ll be cursing out for years to come.”
Then he jumped right into eight solid minutes of burns against several of the party’s current up-and-comers, starting with Hawley.
“Oh, he’s an up-and-comer,” Maher said. “Washington insider says he’s among 2021’s most punchable faces. Handsome, youthful and vigorous, he’s the far-right JFK with a little dash of KKK. And as the son of a wealthy banker and a graduate of Stanford, Yale and a private prep school, Josh knows what he hates most in this world: elites. Loathsome and transparently ambitious, Josh was the first editor to formally choose Trump’s baseless election fraud conspiracy over his pledge to uphold the Constitution. But before you say he’s anti-democratic, Josh wants you to know that he’s just asking questions. Questions like, ‘Why does the winner of an election always have to be the guy who gets the most votes?’”
Next up, he moved on to Colorado congresswoman Lauren Boebert, notable for literally live-tweeting Nancy Pelosi’s location during the Jan. 6 Capitol siege for reasons that remain unclear.
“Not to be outdone in the area of hating government from the inside, freshmen Colorado rep and high school dropout Lauren Boebert is some of you may have already thought of — if you ever thought — ‘What would happen if Michelle Bachman smoked bath salts?’ This sassy gal was taking her hoops out to fight the libtards and she, and she wants everyone to know she has exactly one issue: guns,” Maher said. “Spoiler alert, she likes them. She is from a town named Rifle and owns a restaurant called Shooters, where the waitstaff, no kidding, are encouraged to carry loaded weapons on the job. My suggestion if you eat there, make sure you tip at least 20%! I ate there once, I asked the waiter ‘How fresh is the fish?’ He said ‘I don’t know, you feel lucky, punk?’”
Then he dinged Alabama senator and former college football coach Tommy Tuberville, who, Maher said, is “like a hot mic slur got voted into office.” Tuberville is, of course, one of Trump’s biggest supporters in the Senate, so much so that Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, made several failed attempts to call him during and after the Jan. 6 riot.
“This guy Tommy is the former coach of the Auburn Tigers football team and intellectually, let’s just say, he’s a few yards short of a first down. They refused to debate before his primary and general elections, and that’s a good thing because he could lose a game of tic-tac-toe to his St. Bernard,” Maher said. “Tommy is the model of today’s constitutional conservative who has absolutely no idea what’s in the Constitution. He got wrong the answer to the question, what are the three branches of our government? Strippers can get this one! I know, I’ve asked. Financially, Tommy’s been involved with at least three business associates who’ve been convicted for financial fraud. Said Tommy, ‘I’m not smart enough to understand all the numbers.’ Did I mention he wants to be on the Senate Banking Committee? And, scene.”
Next up was North Carolina Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who is becoming well-known for the numerous blatant lies he has told about his background. “If fresh-faced is your thing, get ready to swipe right on rising hatemonger Madison Cawthorn from North Carolina, one of the leaders of the Stop the Steal fiasco, who hyped the riot at the Capitol like it was the Fyre Festival,” Maher joked. “And who, at the tender age of 25, is the youngest Republican ever elected to the House. I’ve thrown up scotch older than this prick. You know, every Chad douchebag you see on a jet ski on Instagram? Yeah, he’s a congressman now. And this one brags that he carries a gun on the House floor, but not irresponsibly. It’s safely secured in his ‘Paw Patrol’ lunchbox.”
Maher ended the bit talking about Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Green, a QAnon supporter, who Maher called “the true mayor of crazy town, and everyone’s favorite Karen.”
Green, Maher said, is “the congresswoman who makes most people say, ‘How is she not a teacher from Florida who f—s her students?’ I don’t know, but holy s— is this lady crazy? She does not listen to lobbyists and special interests. No, she listens to microwaves. I’m talking dogs. She is an all-in QAnon believer who thinks science and reason are a conspiracy to trick people into thinking. Reagan saw a shining city on a hill, this chick sees spiders on her arms. Move over AOC, say hello to WTF.”