It's finally here: the "Bachelorette finale." Whereas most show’s finales have me waiting impatiently for them to air due to my excitement for the show, this one is different; I'll be so glad this is over, as I won’t have to watch anymore.
As the show opens, we're tricked into thinking that they're only going to treat us to two minutes of rehash. How wrong I was — we even get a rehash of a rehash as Ali tells us about what a difficult decision lies ahead.
The show actually begins 12 minutes in, after the first commercial. Ali is in Bora Bora, her family is along for the ride, and Roberto is first up to bat. Roberto is nervous because these people can potentially be his in-laws. The first few minutes go smoothly, and Ali's siblings are first to corner Roberto, while Ali sings his praises to her parents.
Happiness all around; no drama, no surprises, and nothing terribly interesting. Roberto's heart-to-heart with Ali's mom couldn't go any better, and gosh darn it, everyone here seems just so darned likable. Heck, Ali's mom even steps up and tells him, in Spanish, "I believe your heart is pure." This is just too sweet, isn't it, folks? There's nothing to make fun of, and it almost seems as if it were scripted. Naaaahhh …
Next up, Roberto is about to ask Ali's dad for permission to have her hand in marriage. For a guy who's nervous, Roberto is doing an impeccable job here with Pops. Pops doesn't appear to be a man of many words, but he does bestow his blessing upon Roberto. The family reconvenes, and, logically, they end the visit with salsa dancing. If this meeting with Ali's family were a final exam for Love 101, Roberto gets an A+. How can Chris top this?
We're about to find out, as we get to Chris right after commercial. The fact that Chris is from Massachusetts breaks the ice, and certainly goes in Chris's favor. It also doesn't hurt that Chris used to teach math, while Pops teaches physics. Yet another thing going Chris' way is that both his father and Ali's dad grew up in Montreal. Hmmm, maybe Chris has a chance. Random thought: Can someone please explain how Ali managed to end up with such genuine men? Am I missing something about Ali?
Bro and Sis pull Chris away and everything goes smoothly, although he could have held back on the amount of times he referred to Ali as "incredible." Ali confesses to her mom that her relationship with Chris has progressed slowly, but mom thinks this is a very good thing. Ali's mom sums it up pretty well: "I'm glad I don't have to make the decision!" Like Roberto, Chris wants to ask Ali's dad for his daughter's hand in marriage. How will Chris fare?
Pops comes off as slightly harder on Chris than he was on Roberto, but in the end, Chris wins him over — big time. Pops offers his blessing. Man, Chris brought it. The date ends with everyone jumping in the water and Ali telling the camera, "If I ended up with Chris I'd be a lucky girl." Translation? "I really like Chris, but I love Roberto." Still, Chris's grade on the Love 101 exam is also an A+. They kiss, but my heart is already breaking for Chris as I just have a bad feeling he's going to get hurt.
The guys are gone and Ali turns to her family for help. Pops is on Team Roberto, but Bro and Sis are Team Chris all the way. And Mom? She's not as decisive as the other three, but she seems to be Team Chris as well. Ali thanks them for her input, but ultimately the decision is hers. There's a whole hour left, so we can assume there's going to be some much-needed drama coming up.
It's time for one final date, and Roberto is up first. Just by the way Ali looks at Roberto, it is apparent that he is the one who has captured her heart. They jump on a Jet Ski and land on the shore surrounded by stingrays. Umm, didn't Steve Irwin tragically die from a stingray? This doesn't look too good. Thankfully, these stingrays must be harmless. They retreat to their own private island and partake in a picnic.
My wishes for Wilson the Volleyball to come flying out of nowhere and bonk Ali square on the head go ungranted, as their date moves forward far too perfectly. Or does it? A storm hits, but this doesn't stop the lovebirds from kissing in the rain, something Ali refers to as "the most romantic moment of my life." Baaaaaarf!
Night falls, and the couple is set for a romantic evening at the Hilton Bora Bora. They proceed right to the bed (not for that, at least not yet) and a deep, intimate conversation ensues. They sing each other’s praises and blah, blah, blah.
it's so obvious whom she's going to choose. Random thought: Ali reminds me of Jessica Simpson, except even more annoying, if that's possible. It pisses me off that Roberto tells her he loves her but she won't say it back to him, even though she'll admit it to the camera afterwards. Another thing she admits: she isn't ready to leave Roberto and isn't looking forward to her date with Chris. Ruh roh.
Still, Ali shows up at Chris' door and I can tell she's got bad news for him. As soon as Ali starts talking, the camera swings towards Chris for a close-up. If you recorded the show and pause playback two seconds into the close-up, you can see the exact moment where his heart breaks into a million little pieces. It's truly gut wrenching, and I don't wish that look upon anyone. I so feel for this guy.
Holy crap, folks, she's letting him go right now. This may seem heartless, but I must admit I admire the balls Ali's got to do it this way. Why put Chris through the hurt of going through the final rose ceremony? For the first time, I'm impressed with her.
They hug it out, and dude even wishes her good luck with Roberto. Ali, you just gave the boot to the nicest guy to ever appear on reality television. Chris, however much they offer you, do not accept the role of the next Bachelor; you're way too good for all of this crap. As he leaves, he sees a rainbow, and tells us that the rainbow represents his mom looking out for him. Not a dry eye in America, I tell ya.
Time for the Proposal, and Roberto is meeting with ring dud Neil Lane. He is ready. Ali is equally ready, and the most anti-climactic ending of "The Bachelorette" is upon us. Normally the proposal is a magic moment, but given the track record of "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" relationships, it's somehow lost its credibility. It's a very sweet proposal, and Ali says "yes." As the show comes to a conclusion, Elton John's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" is playing in the background. Fitting? Yup. Cheesy as hell? You betcha.
Wait! It's Jake! And he's spinning a totem … and it's still spinning! Could it be that this whole season was really Jake's dream? It appears as if Jake has been dreaming, and he's still in Limbo. Like Eames in Inception, Jake managed to forge a character — Roberto — and plant himself in Ali's subconscious. As of this writing, Ali and Jake are still dreaming in Limbo.
But seriously, Ali and Roberto are still together and happy — as we learn in the After the Final Rose special, which there is no need whatsoever to recap. Chris was there, however, and is still an amazing guy. Go get 'em, Chris!
Ali and Roberto ride off into the sunset, and another season of "The Bachelorette" is done.