Foul-mouthed agent Ari Gold, the beloved character played by Jeremy Piven on HBO’s “Entourage,” always has a quip at the ready.
The eminently quotable power player is known for his sexist, racist and homophobic bon mots, which are part of the character’s disturbing charm.
In honor of the release of the “Entourage” movie this weekend, TheWrap has compiled Ari’s top 10 quotes. Let us know if we missed any great lines in the comments section below, and apologies in advance to any readers whom Ari may offend.
1. “Let’s hug it out, bitch.”
2. “LLOYD!”
3. “Silence is fucking golden.”
4. “You don’t come to Sundance for the snow, you come for the heat.”
5. “Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.”
6. “Variety is like a high school paper. They pay their writers 28 grand a year to find out something to write about the popular kids.”
7. “You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don’t steal other people’s MOTHERFUCKING clients, but in your case I’m going to make an exception. I’m going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality TV writers, when I’m done with you, you’re gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuck-face.”
8. “You will come back stronger than ever. Like Lance Armstrong, but with two balls.”
Like Lance Armstrong Except With Two Balls
9. “Who the fuck are you and why am I wasting my time listening to you?”
10. “You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don’t you do a triple fucking axel over to the phone and try Cameron again.”
And 5 More Quotes From Ari to Lloyd
1. “Good news, Lloyd! Vince will have a new movie poster for you to whack off to soon.”
2. “Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-fuck, don’t pick up!”
3. “Just go grab your best dress and know that today, your love of cock is a huge asset to the company.”
4. “Don’t ask questions, Lloyd, not until you stop dressing like Paula Poundstone.”
5. “You’ll always be the gay son I never wanted.”
Ari Gold’s (Dis)Honorable Mentions
– “Drama, it’s NBC. They gave ‘Joey’ 46 episodes… they don’t cancel shit. Trust me!”
– “Nobody’s happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I’m miserable. That’s why I’m rich.”
– “This is now the biggest agency in the world and I’m the head of it, which makes me the biggest agent in the world. Now, can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world? It’s so I can stop being a fucking agent.”
– “Shoot yourself in the head with a large-caliber bullet.”
– “I’ll just sexually harass her until she quits.”
– “I’m not threatening your jobs, I’m threatening your lives.”
– “I will knock you the fuck out. Right here. Right now.”
– “Let me explain something to you. I have two philosophies: A) My client is always right, and B) His manager is always an overpaid, useless pain in the ass.”
– “We’re going to hell, so bring your sunblock.”
– “Let it go, like a bad piece of pussy. Just forget that you smelled it and move on.”
– “We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we’re gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.”
– “I guess the bro code’s out the window when you’re fucking someone’s wife.”
– “I was full of shit when I told you I had a condom at Live Aid.”
– “Slave! Call the Grill and tell them we’re on our way.”
– “That’s the thing.. the script has been changed more times than Andy Dick’s vibrator.”
– “23 minutes to the Valley. I’m like Chuck Yeager!”
– “Deadline Hollywood would run a story about me having a loose stool much less having recorded tapes of me.”