Aidy Bryant returned as host of the Film Independent Spirit Awards Saturday and immediately welcomed the audience to “Hollywood’s third or fourth biggest night.” She also had plenty to say about an apparently unaired kiss with Kieran Culkin, and at the time “was doing like a normal, nothing-ass kiss, because if I had gone for it, his ass would be divorced.”
The awards show turns 40 this year, “the most disgusting age in Hollywood,” she added. “But honestly, 40 is the new 20. You know, hell, look at Scorsese and Coppola. I guess 80 is the new 30. I’m telling you, old is the new young.”
“You know, I saw a lot of your old asses sad as hell that TikTok got banned, and that is not for you,” Bryant joked. “Okay, now you’re 40, you gotta head on over to Facebook. Start making long, sincere posts about how great the staff was at the Hampton Inn in Youngstown, Ohio. Special thank you to Ruth for allowing us to keep our dog’s ear medication in the staff fridge.”
The age is also when “a lot of people” start to realize “that their whole life, they’ve actually been bi,” Bryant continued. It’s also when “you realize that you can kind of get horny from anything, you know, soft loaf of French bread, pumping gas, Kieran Culkin’s little bracelets.”
While on the topic of Culkin, Bryant revealed that the pair had exchanged a “comedic kiss” when the actor hosted “Saturday Night Live.” Culkin told Bryant’s co-writer that she “really went for it with that kiss,” something that got back to her. The sketch in question “was cut, and never made it to air,” Bryant continued.
“It just became a thing that I did that I have to live with, and I thought now would kind of be a good time to clear the air. So I’m sorry Kieren, and I’m sorry to Kieran’s wife,” she said. “Oh, but I guess I’m being told that Kieren’s not here. Well, then I guess, I guess I’ll say this, I actually didn’t go for it with the kiss. Okay, I was doing like a normal, nothing-ass kiss, because if I had gone for it, his ass would be divorced.”
Bryant also called out celebrities who were in attendance at the show, like Amy Adams who was in “‘Night Bitch’, but in real life, she’s just a regular old day drunk.” Jesse Eisenberg, who is nominated for Best Screenplay for “A Real Pain,” was “nervous — not about winning, but just in general.”
Bryant’s monologue included a few off-color jokes about sexual harassment in Hollywood. She noted that “many of the actors are men who should presently be incarcerated, and whichever actor springs to mind for you, you’re right.” Bryant later added, “I do want to take a moment, just to be honest, I would absolutely take the substance, but only, only because of how awesome it would be to spend an entire week dead asleep, naked on a bathroom floor.”
Toward the end of her monologue, she noted, “I know it feels a little silly to have an awards show now, but your films are important to people, and somewhere out there, some young person is currently making your work their whole personality, and they’re being so annoying about it. I mean, Letterboxd is an incredible community, but there are certain terrorists on there who must be stopped.”
