Whether it be jokes about his follically challenged head, his so-so music career or his aging-action-hero persona, Bruce Willis took it like a man when he became the latest target of a Comedy Central roast. His ex-wife picked on him, as did his former leading lady and even an NBA star. Here are the best jokes of the night… including a couple by the man of the hour himself.
“Bruce Willis is what you get if you drain the white part of Dwayne Johnson.” — “Looper” co-star and roast master Joseph Gordon-Levitt
“I look at our marriage like ‘The Sixth Sense.’ You were dead the whole time.” — ex-wife Demi Moore
“Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for aging into mediocrity.” … AND … “On ‘Moonlighting,’ I played a former model, which I was, and Bruce played an asshole, which he is.” — “Moonlighting” co-star Cybill Shepherd
“Bruce and I live in the same town of Bedford. He has a beautiful house and the interior design is amazing. He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife.” — Martha Stewart
“This is a real personal moment for me, to be here roasting my dead cousin’s second-favorite action star. You had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.” — Nikki Glaser
“If you wanted to be humiliated, clearly we both know you could’ve just released another singing album.” — Kevin Pollak
“Comedy Central roasts only the best people. Bruce, Donald Trump, that guy from ‘Baywatch.’” — Dom Irrera
“I can’t wait to see your next project, ‘Die Hard 6: Natural Causes.’” — Jeff Ross
“You keep making these bomb movies. But guess what? So does Kim Jong Un. But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his.” — Dennis Rodman
And, of course, Willis punched back: “Joseph played a younger me in ‘Looper.’ He couldn’t pull it off. There is one actor who successfully played me. It was Demi Moore.”
“Cybill, it’s so great to be back on TV with you, honey, on another show starring me.” — Bruce Willis
